I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
