Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The power of my boobs compel you
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
