I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
