I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
