And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i think i just lost a toe
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
