oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
