i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
