I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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