I molested 6 butterflies tonight
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
