Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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