can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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