just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Houston, we have a squirter
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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