i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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