If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
