shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
