and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
