Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
