I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
