my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
