Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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