does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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