I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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