i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
