You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
