I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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