Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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