In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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