yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
