I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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