Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
