I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
