If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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