Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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