I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
