If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
