I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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