OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
