Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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