I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
