I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
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