I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
