Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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