When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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