He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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