I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
