ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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