turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
