a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
