I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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