i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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